A month ago today life as I knew it changed. Family to me is the biggest blessing in life, I don’t have a big family but I’m greatful for the one I have. It’s crazy to think it’s already been a month since I lost a huge part of it, my father. A month after my wedding he became seriously ill and was taken to hospital, we were asked to sign a do not resuscitate form & it was the one of the hardest times in my life, although, after being told he wouldn’t be coming out of hospital, whilst he was there he made a huge turn around and for about a week we saw him better than I had in years, I’m so greatful that we got to spend that quality time with him and Ava got to see him so well, it didn’t last long and as quick as he seemed to get better he deteriorated again, he fought but i guessed he got tired and he passed the morning of August 2nd. Seeing him looking so peaceful was in some way a relief knowing he wasn’t in pain anymore but it’s an image that will haunt me forever, I don’t think time will ever make it easier. I never imagined at 21 I’d be without a father & that I’d have to plan his funeral. I still find it hard to speak about it, it chokes me up and every time it brings me to tears, I just have to stop because I feel like if I start I won’t be able to stop. It breaks my heart referring to him in past tense, it breaks my heart that whenever I want to see him, I have to do so in a cemetery. Ava loved her pops so much and it breaks my heart whenever she asks for him, I had to tell her that he had to go on a holiday and he can’t come back but he loves her and misses her and whenever she wants to see him if she waves up at the sky he’ll be looking down, waving back. Most days out of nowhere she’ll tell me how she misses and loves ‘pops’ and she’ll give him a wave. I’m not religious but I like to think there’s some life after death, in his funeral we played two songs that will always have so much meaning to me, dance with my father again always reminded me of my father as a child and we chose here comes the sun by the Beatles, after returning to work, I was on my way and my mood matched the weather, grey, miserable and raining, I was listening to music and here comes the sun came on but just as a I started to tear up, the rain stopped, the clouds moved and the sun came out, stronger than ever, I like to think that was him showing us he’s somewhere up there looking out for us. I’m greatful that he got to meet my beautiful daughter and that they had the most special bond and I’m glad he got to see me walk down the aisle, I will always make sure Ava grows up knowing how much he loved her and how much we loved him and forever more il be greatful for all the good memories we have of him.
Candles, bubble bath, face/hair mask & kinder bueno 😍 its been a long day.
This little lady enjoyed our adventures in bristol, next stop london to see uncle @dalatando1987
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him he’d make me laugh just to comfort me, then finally make me do just what my mama said. Later that night when I was asleep He left a dollar under my sheet never dreamed that he would be gone from me, If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him, I’d play a song that would never, ever end cause I’d love, love, love to dance with my father again.
Im back to work today and my stomach is in bits 😞 i dont know how im going to get through the day, roll on 10pm so i can come home and sleep.
Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life, it’s strange how dates that once meant nothing or were of no importance will forever be remembered for the rest of your days, a day of remembrance and sadness. I will forever be greatful for the times and good memories I had & I will always make sure that those memories stay with me.
#tbt too my little lady just a few hours old, in the last 2 years she has brought me more happiness than I’ve had in a lifetime and at 2 years old, although she may not know it she’s my little hero, no matter how bad I feel she lights up my life, she is the love of my life 💕
I’m dreading the week ahead, keeping busy in the day makes things easier but come the night I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m sat thinking, trying to keep my mind occupied but I just want to talk to someone, I just want nick home from work so I can just cuddle & talk to someone who understands me. I hate being alone even more now than ever.
Since Ava was born I’ve had the most positive outlook in life, no matter how down i felt or how bad things seemed, i always tried looking on the bright side,but I’m finding it extremely hard to do that right now. I just want to give up, i don’t want to pretend I’m doing okay, i don’t want to carry on like nothings changed because it has and it will never be the same, i know i cant give up and i know that wouldn’t make any of this any better, but i cant forget. Its an image that will haunt me forever and something i don’t know I’ll ever be at peace with. I’ve got a life to live and that doesn’t consist sitting there dwelling, crying, sleeping and replaying it all but for now that’s how i feel, i just dont know how this will get easier to live with.